This Is My Personal Journal

After 42 other New Year's Days, the only thing I know is that I, in my own life, regarding only my own experience, I need to stop hinging all my hope on New Year's. The oldest superstition I have that I also find I can't let go of is that whatever I am doing at midnight will portend what the rest of my year is going to be like. I know it's not true, but it sticks in me. For me, and in my own world, alone.

I cannot let myself place all my hopes on this one day. Last year, I did, and I paid dearly for believing this was the signal of truly better times to come. In my own life. Not yours. Not your world. Not the rest of the world's year. Mine.

There was a new department coming. I was going to be in it. I was going to take a step up from where I was, too. I had the biggest optimism I've ever had in my personal life. The new year coming in was a little too huge to me. When things began to fall apart, and I spent the better part of half a year failing and being miserable, that new year optimism made me feel like a big fool. I can't do that, again.

As I enter the 43rd New Year's Day, I have to keep myself in check. When I write publicly about my experience it isn't supposed to shame anyone else. I hope you all have great years ahead. As for me, I've got to be more cautious this year. I can't go through what I went through last year.

I understand it is arbitrary, rationally. My mind focused like a laser on it for many, many years. I used to perform a ritual and read tarot at midnight, for many years. This night had too much significance to me. I have to dial it back. I have to. Disappointment is even more intense nowadays than it was when I was younger. Because I ain't gettin' any younger. 43. I've done this 43 times, now. It is in only my interest to remind myself.

And though maybe I've read too much into something said publicly, I needed to make this clear, just in case one of the 7 views I got yesterday was someone I certainly would never want to hurt. I'm sorry if it hurt you. I'm still not convinced it has anything to do with me, personally, but a collection of us all writing similar things. I just want to make it clear why I needed to remind myself that the day isn't to hinge all my hopes on. Not yours. Just mine.

*But I really want a new journal with fresh pages to start over again, from scratch, even though I have almost half of my Tardis journal left to fill. I want a new, blank slate, damn it.