A few days ago, I wrote, "I guess this entry is me trying hard to keep myself from buying it." Which was about the Nine Inch Nails Fragile Deviations 1 album. Today, I caved in and bought it. There was just a little more money than I expected in my account, and instead of a really large drop on something else that I want but do not even remotely need. $90 total for the album and the shipping is better than anything I'd spend on an iPhone 7. I seriously don't need a phone. When the hell did I get this materialistic bug stuck in my head?
Also, I bought a new journal to open and use on January 1st. The ones I'm using have entries that go back to February 2015. The things going on in my life at that time embarrass me now. I want a new, clean book to start over again. I will put up those books and ignore them for a while.
Listening to the polish on the older songs and the new released material from that era has me feeling the need to review 1999, myself. What a crazy time that was, for me, but with a different result than whatever the music means to the artist. As it hits my ears, it converts into something outside of the artist, and becomes a part of me. Not only due to memories, but because I have a sort of synaesthesia that converts sounds to touch, in varying ways. Music is the most intimate of this phenomenon. My brain doesn't just emotionally feel music. It is just like touch to me. The sound and touch intertwining in this album is all sorts of euphoric and pleasurable to me.
It took about three months to remember all the different parts of the songs. I have no idea how long it will take to incorporate this version into my brain's memory landscape, totally.
I am so very glad I am in a completely different life with different circumstances than I was then. I'm glad I get to make new memories of listening to these songs, now. Life now is genuine and whole. I had sold myself out to try to be happy according to what other people told me to do, because I didn't trust myself. Trusting others to have a handle on what will work for you in your life is a recipe for disaster. I began to untangle myself in 2004. It would be three years before I fully unraveled all of it.
Not everything now is perfect. I've made sacrifices along the way that leave me lonely. However, when I go through all those years, I know that I am healing, and getting closer to true contentment. I am definitely authentic. I do not lie anymore about the important things. To myself or anyone else.
That actually makes me feel so damned good. The music is darker. The themes are darker than usual. And yet I am uplifted. All the feel-good chemicals are being released. My purchase is vindicated.
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