Stasis

There is a part of me that has become addicted to work. I don't do it because I like it. It isn't the money. It isn't the stuff I get from it. I don't like being there. I don't like doing it. However, it occupies me. I don't have to actually think about anything else. I don't have to worry about anything but getting the crap done.

When I get home, I'm faced with way too much I don't want to think about. In a way, it has taken over where all the articles and books I used to read. It requires almost nothing as far as real work on myself. I get to ignore me.

I realized I was not doing well, and I only worked the mandatory one hour overtime. I didn't stay longer. I think this was a little breakthrough. I allowed myself to think about me, and to actually take care of myself. It's been weeks since I actually sat down to assess myself.

As I said, I've become an expert at ignoring me.

Now I guess I have something new I need to work on.

Aside of not saying "sorry" anymore, I mean. I only said it 4 times, when in the midst of stress. It's just a fucking placeholder word. It means NOTHING to me. I want it gone. I want to only say it when I actually feel it, now. There are plenty of other things I actually mean in the circumstances I'm using it as a placeholder.

I guess I have to figure out who the fuck I am, now. See if I'm really on the verge of the next big shift in my life. See if I can work something that gives me meaning into my life. Figure out what I actually want to do besides go to work and come home, make dinner, help with homework, etc. Who is this person I am now? I've got all this time on my hands. I don't want to spend it working, just to keep from thinking. I'll add that to the to-do list.