Despite

There appear to be some weapons my brain still possesses to terrorize and hurt me. In most cases, the numbness and pointlessness bind me. Movement and thought are too slow to be useful. I'm not even sure if I have some sinus inflammation or if I'm just bogged down, mentally. The physical symptoms of un-sad depression mimic those of other illnesses, sometimes. My muscles all ache, there is pressure, there is lethargy. I slept when I got home and rested, even after a whole lot of caffeine.

There is a struggle to type anything. The words are pointless, too. Yet, I keep going, because I must. I keep asking myself why I need to type these things out, day in and day out. Other people can go on through life without expressing a thought in their heads. I'm not one of them. While there is plenty I keep hidden, with a secret life no one will ever see, there are parts of me that long for exposure. So I plod on through the writing of these things.

It's been a habit since I was at least 8, with my little Hello Kitty notebooks. At this point, answering this question or not answering it is moot. The result remains the same. I write whatever I can get out of me. It just happens.

Sometimes I look for prompts. Sometimes I just start writing "I have nothing to say" until that's a lie. I have erased variations on "Nothing is happening in my head" so many times, that motif alone could fill volumes.

No matter the little exposure the words get, they come out. No matter how little value assigned to them, they get written. No matter if I want to do it or not. It happens. There would have to be a massive change in my social status to deter me. Until then, I don't mind that there are only a few views. I didn't mind when I was on Open Diary, Livejournal, and before all that, Geocities. I had a few internet friends there. We've all moved on. The same will happen here. I don't mind. I just keep writing.

As my brain and perhaps my sinuses and muscles ache me into solitude, today, I feel good about it. It's all good, today. The quiet feels nice. The lack of presence of other humans, now that the kids have returned to their father's home, is a good thing. I have a very quiet playlist in the background, so as not to drown out the roaring wind. It all feels right, today. I feel like all of the different parts of me are in alignment. It's good, even if I'm not all well.