Staying

Learning how to stay alive required many experiments. It requires still more to keep punching at shadows. At times, it was a kernel of an illusion I held firmly that should I take my own life, I'd live a similar life, just to keep getting to the same points, so that I could eventually win a fight. I never claimed to know of a purpose for this concept of reincarnation. It was just a habit of thought. There may or may not have been some meaning in it, but I didn't believe in that part of it. Call it more of a superstition.

When explored, it makes zero sense. I don't actually have faith in it. Sometimes this habit of thought still happens. I don't know exactly why this is how my brain works. It is enviable that there are people who never have to examine weird beliefs. I have other weird beliefs. Those are readily examined. The ones that society accept, to some degree, are harder to scrutinize. Sometimes these ideas are given rewards. People accept me in a way I'm not used to. Even if the majority of people around me are Christian, there are enough people who have learned to respect any other version of faith, as long as there is some faith.

In the end, because I couldn't accept a "higher power" behind it, I had to accept it as a superstition. And I admit it still creeps up in my thoughts. Over time, though, the comfort in it has disappeared. Perhaps the comfort was illusion. However, I could also expound on the many other illusions that I have protected myself with to stay alive.

Right now, some figment of a quote is floating with me. It is the tragedy of a suicide who doesn't believe in an afterlife who also wants to know how everything turns out. The only way to see the result is to stick around. I live mostly to see how this goes down. A witness to life events, and a deep curiosity of life seem to be my new experiments in survival.

I want to know what happens tomorrow. The only way to know for sure is to stay.

However, this is tenuous. In time, the nothingness will crawl back in, and I won't know why I ever wanted to see how things turn out. Maybe. I mean, interesting things do happen. They are far away, but maybe they'll keep happening. However, I can't rely on this. I guess I'll start looking for a new experiment soon. I have to plan for the winter.