Back to the Present

Frustration and irritation abound. There is a big hole inside me, and the rest of my brain has to dance around the hole to function. Yesterday it was easier. I didn't feel like I had many steps I had to take around it. Today, it feels like I keep forgetting, and I've tripped into the hole, climbed out, and fallen right back in without thought.

The vigilance is really getting old. I want to go back to dreaming the world was going to remain as it was, with maybe even some incremental good steps. I want to go back to pretending life was safe for a while longer. After all, I just got my footing after the downfall of the early 00s and 10s. There was a plateau for me, here. I was looking around and healing things I've neglected while merely surviving.

When I say I don't want to start over again, I am talking about this. Job security isn't real, in economically safe times. When things get precarious, as they will, that security will be even more dangerous. Since I've been through it before, I fear going through it again. There is no sense of certainty that since I did it before, I'll make it this time. Perhaps this time I won't. There is no way to know.

I could very well be okay, in time. I mean, that's the point of uncertainty, right? Could be.

The best things I can do are the things I was taught. Touch something, smell something, taste something, listen to something, and look at things around me. Bring the focus back to now. Not the past. Not the bad times of the past. Right now. Things are stable right now. It has to work for future anxiety as well as past trauma, right? Becoming present.

Nothing right now is bad. Most of what is going on, in my own little oasis, is good. I've got to bring myself back to these things.

I have a candle that smells like sandalwood, and will burn that now. My cat's beside me, accidentally scratching me as he grooms himself. I see the dark purple, microfiber sheets with the same color, shiny thread embroidery at the edge. I love these sheets and pillowcases. I am listening to The Twilight Sad on Apple Music, by suggestion of the playlists catered to me. I have Peppermint Ghirardelli, filtered water, and have had a good dinner with both kids. This is my life, right now.

After this, I will need to settle down to sleep so I can wake up at 3 and go to work at 4. That will be the best thing. Sleep, even when it isn't full and robust, is my favorite thing. Maybe because I don't ever get enough. I enjoy it all the more when I do get it.

I gently tell the worries coming up they are not needed right now. I treat them like the children who are scared inside me. No need to fight them. Just reassure them. Look around, see the world as is. Worrying about it won't help us. A plan must be formed. It must be done without worry. Fear is not going to help.

So begins a new experiment.