Breathing

It's been many years now since I used the words to "Sentinel" to try to boost my optimism on a Facebook post. Lena wrote that she really did hope there were better days to come. Within a few days, her cancer finally took her life. It was her last message to me. I still catch myself with tears in my eyes when I think about that. I don't really believe in an afterlife, so there's no comfort in thinking she finally found better days.

So I try to remember the pep talks she had with me about how she turned her life around later in life, like I had to do. She had harder steps to take than I did, but she also had a support network. I'm balancing everything very well, it's true, but that support network is thin and distant, now. I get some nice gestures from people encouraging me, but I find the words of people who went through bad or worse and came out the other end better off always made the biggest impressions on me. I need to know it's possible. I don't want to be that person everyone else looks to and uses as perspective in their lives.

I sometimes joke and use a variation on the saying "If I can't be a good role model, let me be your dire warning" but honestly, right now, I'd just like to lay down and not carry on with this fight. I just want to take a break from life for a while, and come back refreshed and willing to do more dirty work. Even breathing just needs to be something I don't have to worry about for a while. All of it, really. Just let it float off for a while, then bring me back when I'm rested and refreshed.

That's what I want, not death, just a long vacation from being a human animal on this planet. The closest I'll get is this extra hour of sleep tonight.