My life has stabilized now. I'm on a nice plateau. I've figured some of the big issues out. I'm not worried about much anymore. I'm at a nice point. It's now that I think it'd be nice to share it with someone for a little while. Long while, if possible. However, these things cannot be planned ahead. Either you mesh with someone or you don't. Someday, I hope there is a test to see what brings two people together well, and what doesn't. This trial and error thing hasn't worked out in my favor.
In the coming months, it would be nice to have a little shared time. I think I'm finally ready. I've pushed it away and to the back burner for a long time. I've covered it with stories I was writing about things I wished for. I've focused on things that weren't in meatspace, to save myself heartbreak. Now, though, it's time for more.
As far as my work toward returning to school, I have to make a phone call to a support person at UC to have a hold taken off my records. In going online to request my transcripts, I was told I had a hold for an outstanding/overdue bill. I clicked on the link, and it said I owe $0, which must be paid right away to release them. Another step added to all the other steps. This is my life, though. Every step forward seems to result in a half step back, if not a whole step back.
What will I go back for? I don't know yet. Maybe I'll enter undeclared. Maybe I'll decide later. I don't care, as long as I work toward finishing something. Even if it's an Associate's. I need completion. Not perfection. I decided a few years ago I'm not really a perfectionist. I'm a completionist. If I feel I can finish something, even imperfectly, I will start. If I can't, I become distraught and irritable. If I don't feel I can complete something, I won't even bother to begin, sometimes.
Returning to school is somewhat along those lines. Calling that number seems fruitless. What's the next setback? My 23 year old grades, I guess. Then I suppose there will be forms to fill out and tests to take. Then maybe they'll say I didn't do those right? Then what? It sounds tiring. And my job will have to stay as it is. Which means I have little to no energy five days a week, as it is.
This whole process feels insurmountable. Is it? I don't know. No one really knows.
Plus, there's the election, then Bevin wrecking university funding, already. I feel bogged down and could use support I don't have. Then I start thinking about it, and I get down again. The "why bothers" get the upper hand in my head.
It irks me to no end.
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