I've Said It Before

I hope this is not a repeat of last year. Just on the cusp of the Morrissey concert then, it took everything in me to get it together to drive to the concert. I knew I wanted to do it. It just didn't feel as powerful as I needed to get through the swampy, unmotivated morass of my mind. I feel a little of that today. I'm doing far too much comparison of myself to other people. I don't regularly care how I measure up.

Since I'm not exactly enamored with humanity, I don't try to let it get to me that the feeling has been mutual since my birth. I ignore the world and the world ignores me. However, today, I'm allowing things to enter my brain that don't deserve even a millisecond of my time. It's the same old song everyone goes through, from time to time. It's dragging me down into another foggy mental state.

I must break it. This time, I have an hour and a half drive before the concert. Not like the five hours I'll drive next month, but not the 20 minutes it took last year.

I do hope I'm left feeling just as euphoric as I was last year. That will be all I need to coast on through another few months. Music, especially my favorites in a live setting, has a power nothing else has. For me. I realize other people experience life differently. Music is my golden fount of exuberance. I need it the way others need congregations in religious settings. I don't get the vast amount of supernatural experiences others do, most of the time. That's why religion, even paganism, never stuck. I have a couple unrealistic thoughts that pester me, from time to time, but it never lasts. Music is that experience, for me.

Had I even a shred of actual talent, and not just the willful force of skill I finally started to show at the end of my music training, I'd have nothing but music in my life. Unfortunately, it was always just out of my reach. So, I spend time and money on those who have the talent and skill I wish I had. It's all I have, right now.

I realize I explain this a lot. It's just that it's constantly an experience I must express. Tomorrow, I hope for another musical saving.