Apparently all that sleep I wasn't getting a couple months back has found me. It seems that I come home from work, make food, settle down, and pass the hell out. I also sleep at night. Upon my alarm going off at 3:30 a.m. I am left struggling out of sleep. Usually this hits me in the winter. It's rather odd that my body and mind have decided to take up this habit.
I find myself needing a lot of self-soothing, too. This has probably been the hardest thing for me to learn to do. I always felt I needed to constantly poke myself with the terrible things going on in the world. There were plenty of people around to constantly push the agenda of guilt about... well, everything, really. I began to look at the people who were better off than me in all aspects of life, though. This began to give me a different perspective. I can do both. I can work to help people around me and I can enjoy my own life. I expect nothing less than that of people I look up to. Why would I expect that I spend all my time feeling bad about not suffering as much as someone else? Seems an odd way to spend our lives.
It is possible for us to pull each other up, instead of drag everyone else down. I do both. I help where I can, and I help myself, too. If I have to not look at the horrible things going on in the world, I will look away. I will look at kitten videos. I'll watch someone post their accomplishments in Pokemon Go. I will play a fucking video game. I know bad things are afoot, all the time. I do not have to wallow in it to help.
It wasn't on my page, but someone yelled at someone else about posting about their washing machine breaking down and flooding a portion of their room. It was probably around the time of the worldwide tsunami, or something very similar. Someone had to pipe up with a long rant about how no one should ever complain about something so "small" when there are such big tragedies in this world.
Instead of the shaming of someone who had something happen that has to be dealt with talking about it openly, I will merely do what I can to provide some help where I can. I'm not going to berate someone for having to deal with an immediate grievance. This serves no function at all, in practice. I'm pretty sure it just severed any trust between the two of them. A person who didn't give a shit about the tsunami isn't going to care after that. A person who does care is just going to feel bad on top of feeling bad.
Same with depression. My brain malfunctions. I talk about it openly. No, you're right, I didn't have all my belongings and family blown away in a bomb, but I am depressed. Two very different topics. The two things don't belong in the same topic of conversation. And when I'm depressed, pointing out how horrible things are in the world makes it worse. It just exacerbates the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness and the nihilism. The suicidal ideation just increases.
So, yes, you're right, there are terrible things happening in the world. Always. Again. Forever. I'm going to go read a book from my childhood, instead, though, knowing that I can't fix it all at once. I'll do what I can, and move on. I expect no less of anyone else. Why would I expect more of myself? I am well aware of all I've done. I'm not interested in providing anyone else with a constant stream of evidence. In the end, I go to bed alone, knowing I've done all I can, for the day.
Right now, sleep seems to coming back into my body. I'm not going to pass up on it just because someone else has a worse life than mine where they are not sleeping. I was that person, once, and I didn't expect anyone else to curtail their sleep in solidarity with me. That would have been absurd. I'm going to sleep, because I can. I love me some sleep.
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