Now?

Well, this week's experiment in survival has come to a close. It is true that I did not finish one task I assigned myself. I ran out of spoons. No, I did not sign up for the goat in a boat, though I would have loved to do that. I just don't know anyone with a goat. I wish I knew someone with a goat. I love goats.

One task involved a photo of the self with things that represent this state. I went with bourbon. And I couldn't just let the bourbon sit there. No. Of course not. I've done one shot a day. Then promptly fallen asleep after imbibing it. Which seems to have spurred more vivid dreams than I've had in about a year.

Also, today, I had two instances of deja vu. Yesterday I had one. It was a very brief but vivid moment of thinking I've already stood in the exact spot at work, listening to people argue or try to work out a situation that is actually novel. It seemed like the words were in the exact order I was expecting, with everyone standing where they were in some dream or vision I'd had and was remembering as it was happening. This happens to me every few months. I feel like it's a symptom of some sort, but google has given me no insight. So, I go on, wondering when the next disorientating flash is going to happen.

There is a month from now until my next scheduled happy event. Over a month. Five and a half weeks, actually. I need a new experiment in survival. The existential angst is almost caricature-esque. Like Ross in Punk's Dead. So over-the-top as to be comical, if it weren't so sad, to me. I really don't want my life to turn into a numb reservoir of meaninglessness. Again. That's where it's heading. I need to head it off at the pass.

I need ideas. After all, I need to distract myself from the impending flight my 16 year old is about to take. Two years earlier than anticipated. Going to live in a dorm on campus. I'm ready. I'm not ready. It's complicated. I need distraction!