Two Days to Go

Coming to the realization that I'm not handling the changes that are coming this week very well. I'm not going to be an empty-nester. I still have one going into fifth grade, at home. He's quite independent, as well, though. It doesn't seem real to me, yet part of me is reacting as if I'm about to start a long, unknown journey into a foggy sea. Pieces of all the years past are coming up, randomly. It's exciting, but anxiety-inducing.

There have been roller coaster style hills and turns in my emotions for the last few days. Whatever semblance of control I felt I had has been an illusion. This is truly starting to wear me down. I will be glad to get this all over with, and in the past. I need this to be over with, now. Of course, it's a few more days.

There's no way to prepare for this. No amount of emotional fortitude will be enough for dealing with the mixed emotions that are going to hit me all at once. My world is changing as much as my son's. My son is looking forward to it, and has no inkling of doubt or fear of it. I do, though. There's nothing I can say that my son will even believe. Right now, this is just his big chance and freedom from his family. In time, he'll come to view it differently. I'll still be here, ready to help, but he just doesn't know yet what is in store. A lot will be better. It'll be worth it, but so much can't be told.

He doesn't believe us, anyway. He's discovered we're flawed humans, and so he doesn't really listen anymore. I tried to explain why another half ounce reduction in the amount of chips I got per bag, at the same price was frustrating. He just blew it off with a sarcastic, "Ooh, a whole half ounce." I tried to explain that this is the second half ounce in under a year, and with years passing quickly, I'm paying more for at least five ounces less than I used to buy in a bag. This means nothing to him, yet. He doesn't see the drops in the bucket filling fast enough to care. The slow leak in the boat is still manageable, to him.

Then he'll turn around and get upset that I didn't tell him about something else, in life. Something I knew he wouldn't listen to me about. Walking this fine line between giving him enough information and not trying to make it seem like I'm just doing it to be an annoying know-it-all gets tougher, all the time.

All I can do now is hope for the best. He was pretty much set in his ways a few years ago. The opportunities to guide him have dried up, along the way. Now I just have to hope it's enough for him to get through and find his own way without too much trouble. However, I'm going to doubt myself, and criticize myself relentlessly whenever something comes up that I now see I should have done differently. I did the best I could with what I had. I just have to hope it was enough.

Yep, not processing this as smoothly as I'd like. Look at all these words I had to write, just in the last few minutes.

The countdown keeps going.