Peacefulness

Inside, the calm and quiet are welcome. The respite of my mind's never-ending maelstrom of thoughts and feelings has been a long time coming. I need this relief. It's been far too long since the inner world was this peaceful. The place inside me that looks like an early autumn forest on the edge of a beach has returned.

There is still a little desire to reach out and create new, stronger bonds with people. Yet, I have moved into such a beautiful sense of solitude. It's free of any kind of drama or melodrama that comes from other people. The need for strife, unhappiness, tensions, guilt, manipulation, control, and negative attention is alien to me. It's not something that will fully settle in my mind. No amount of talking to people will ever let me understand them.

As always, you guys look like the strangers. As you look at me with wide eyes, as though I sprouted a third head, all I can think is that you seem to be the oddities. Why do you like to cause discord and go into every conversation with defenses drawn, on purpose? Why would you not just walk away, and stop answering the phone? What thrill do you get from arguing and dividing each other?

I don't think I'll ever understand or empathize with this need. I don't want to, either.

I'll stay here, hang up on anyone or walk away from anyone that tries to pull me into that maze of terror. I'm not living my life for this hell. I was born with this one body, one brain, and I've come to this portion of my life in the understanding that this is it. All the wasted time on unhappiness and stress has been enough for me. I'm done with it.

On a different note, each day I wake up, look at the reports going around, and wonder how I ended up in this timeline. I keep begging Donna to turn left. Goddamn it, turn left, and get us out of this mess!