More Platitude Annoyance

I'm probably not in a place where I should be writing. My head is cloudy, my sinuses are swollen shut, though not congested. I just took Flonase which puts me to sleep, but I need to get back into the routine of using it. The weather is odd, warm, and wet. So much mold. So much swollen head. So much slogging.

I'm never going to be in a position to understand why people need things to be loud and chaotic. In their minds, they are convinced that this equals action and getting things done. Meanwhile, in the calm of the morning, in the quiet, things were okay. The way I'd like to see them, all the time. This is not how things are done, though. Which is why I stepped down. My way is not chaos and loudness. I don't do threats and punishment to people who are already giving everything they have. I may get annoyed when I'm doing all I can, and others are not. I don't rant and rave. Instead, I get things done, through alternate avenues. Apparently, shouting and throwing is preferred. Which intensifies my anxiety and depression.

This is my life. On one hand, I need to maintain a level of income to survive, and in our society, that requires giving up a portion of your mental well-being, just to barely make it. On the other, I'm not getting those hours back. I won't get out of life alive, anyway. There's no afterlife to sit back and relax in. If I don't do it now, I never will. How do you balance those two competing needs?

I suppose "Get a different job" or "just be nice to people and they'll give you money and gifts" works for some people. I've moved from job to job enough to know they all suck. Even if you do something you thought you liked, when you have to make money from it, it becomes a burden and less desirable. So, I make an effort to leave my work at the door as much as I am asked to leave my life at the work door. I fill my outside time with things that have meaning to me and then things that bring me peace. Some days I need more meaning, some days I need more peace, but those hours are mine.

When I see platitudes posted about living every minute of life to its fullest, I am reminded that I am not doing so. Then I remember why that is. I need a stable home, stable transportation, stable way to get food and warmth, and all the rest. The platitudes are for people that no longer need to think about sources of income. They irritate me. Obviously, one or two in particular, today, irritated me a lot.