Health

Every now and then, deja vu interrupts my day. I feel like I've been in the exact situation before, or that I've dreamed the exact situation. Sometimes I'll read a passage and think I've read or heard someone tell me the exact same story a few days ago. It'll feel like I'm remembering telling someone about a dream I had that made no sense, because I didn't have context.

I was listening to someone explain the new system we are about to use at work. I felt that I'd described this job to my ex, after dreaming about it. I feel like I was struggling to describe it, because this particular feature of my job, and department weren't possible when I described it. But now I'm in the department, and suddenly, it all makes sense. Except I doubt I ever had a dream, nor explained such a dream to my ex.

I read an anecdote on one of those listicle articles. None of the other stories sounded familiar, but the last one sounded like something I think someone described to me, in detail yesterday or the day before that, while I was at work. However, I just can't think of anyone actually telling me that story or who was responsible for the terrible things that were laid out in the anecdote.

I spent several minutes trying to pry what was real and what was false memory. It was a lot of wasted time, to be honest. It simply doesn't matter. But like a twitching eyelid, I cannot seem to ignore it.

I've read up on epilepsy, but I've never had a seizure. Yet, I have this phenomenon hit me, a lot. I've been tracking it for a while to find a pattern that I can point to and dismiss it. I can't seem to find any pattern. This bothers me enough to write about it, frequently. It is a mystery I'd like to solve.

These are not premonitions. They are not the traditional deja vu of recognizing a place I've never been to. I think I read that they are called deja vecu or something. It feels like my brain is trying very hard to tell me something important. Not whatever is going on in the moment of deja vu. More that it's a symptom I need to address about my brain's health or illness.

Like the popping in my elbow and sudden bouts of pain telling me I probably have carpal tunnel syndrome that I'm currently trying to ignore, I feel like this is a symptom of something I should be paying attention to. Maybe it isn't. Maybe nothing is really related. I can't quite shake the nagging intuition that it's important. It's just... every time I've tried to talk about it, no one else thinks it is.

Unless I'm actively dying, though, it feels like doctors blow me off, every time. First time pregnancy scares, my issues with the phlegm that never goes away, the hard lump in my chin that nurses and the first doc wouldn't even fucking look at, my inability to achieve orgasm though desperately horny while on Citalopram, etc, etc, etc. all blown off. I'd like someone to take something seriously without me having to have half my fucking face freeze in place or everything from my throat, up to my upper sinuses and ears, being swollen and infected nearly shut.

I betcha if they suspected I had money, someone might investigate more. Right now, though, no one seems to be listening to me.

On into the new year, I go, though, still patching up everything with the barest of concern.

Aside of that, my day was actually pretty nice. Everyone should have such good days, all the time.