Day Napping

Today was one of my sleepy days. These don't happen very often. Most of the time, sleep is something that eludes me. I drifted in and out of naps, all day. My eleven year old son was here. It was difficult to sleep, even though I couldn't keep my eyes open. My neck was in pain. My muscles still ache. I would startle awake every now and then and ask how he was doing.

This reminds me of the five years I worked at night. I would nap like this on and off in the day. I'd get up and go to work through the night. I'd nap like that through  every day. As I sit here, aching, eyes stinging, not rested, and wanting to cry, I am reminded that night shift was terrible to me and my body. I keep asking myself how I managed to survive those five years.

Add in all the people in my life who felt I had all the time in the world, because I didn't work in the day. People would honestly be upset with me for wanting to fucking sleep at some point or other. What? You think I go to work and sleep? No. Come on, now. So yes, I was not at my best. I didn't do the ultimate best I could. Sleep and I aren't great friends, but I need at least a few hours every day. There are only so many days a person can go on an hour here and an hour there.

I really don't know how I survived. I know why I stopped writing, now. I get it all. I can feel it in my muscles and my screaming brain to just stop now. Luckily, I get to sleep overnight. I wake very early, yes, but it actually works for me. I am not a morning person, though. I'm a late night person. I still find myself faltering at about 10 or 11 a.m. The years of napping at that time of day hasn't fully left me. However, the sleep I get now is downright magical.

My brain is beginning to recover. This has been such a necessary step in the right direction. I hope I can continue to heal as the days go on.