Calm Resolve

Maybe it has been too many months of reading what this elected official has warned us he was going to do. I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. As important things were erased from the White House website, and untrue tidbits were added to incite fear, it was not a surprise. As his speech echoed Bane in the Batman movie, it was a dull thud on my ears. I'm no longer shocked by this man. I'm no longer shocked that he's our president.

I've resigned myself to going through what I went through when my mom raised me, and when Bush Jr. ruined the economy, this last recession. It will be difficult, but this is just more of the same, for me. I mourned the loss of my hopes of moving up in my life. That's probably going to now be nearly insurmountable. My focus will be to maintain some semblance of the life I have built up to this point. As things take a nosedive, the skills I have to survive in times of the barren wasteland will come back to me. I already find myself writing out a budget that would make others cringe. If you've never had to feed yourself and two kids on $40 a week, you don't know what this means. If you have, you know why I'm so upset.

What I can prepare for, I will. There will be plenty I cannot fathom and plan for. I must have a routine and a cushion of some sort to fall on when times get hard. The only thing that I know is that I won't back down. I've had plenty of experience. In the last riot I found myself in, I didn't back down when I probably should have. Baseball bats didn't faze me. This may not be the healthiest way of being. It is how I respond. There is no flight in me, when there should be. It's all fight. That's how life trained me. I didn't want to be this way. It just happened.

Not everything can happen all at once. I never meant to imply that. So, in the meantime, I will dust up on my physical fitness, my inner sanctum, and my finances. This time, it will be worse than the collapse of the last recession. Whatever is in me only wants to keep going. I don't know why. All thoughts of leaving are gone. In this alternate universe I've found myself, I just want to sustain. Perhaps someone wiser than I knows what has shifted in me. I just know I must not back down.

I'll search out the truth, even as it becomes harder to find under the propaganda. Whatever it takes, it must be done. Rout out the evil before it spreads as a virus. The shadow of this world lays heavy on me, today. I will try to keep the fire of this fight in my eyes. Forward, despite the looming oppression. In spite of all of it.