Now I'm concerned about myself. I woke up with a hot flash and anxiety bordering on panic. I've been taking 2 mg for a week and a half. I'm worried it's still not going to be enough. Then again, it took a few weeks when I went on 1 mg for the night sweats, crying jags, and constant state of hot flashes to end, after my surgery. Maybe I should give it a little longer.
The 12 year old stayed up with me far too late last night. We're going to have to put our feet down to get him to bed without electronics by 10 for the next week, then slowly ease him into a 9 p.m. bedtime, because school starts very soon. I keep forgetting how early it starts. My years didn't start until September. It keeps slipping my mind how soon it is coming.
I have the feeling that I've forgotten to do something extremely important. More important than just turning in a paper that is due in a week. This feels like I've forgotten to put gas in my car, before there were indicators for low fuel, and I'm in the middle of nowhere Ohio, in the middle of the night, where there aren't even any exits, and when you find one, the only gas station is closed. This is an unpleasant sensation. I would like it to pass now!
My heart feels tight. The muscles of my chest feel stretched very thin and painfully. I haven't had coffee since 7 p.m. last night. Only a cucumber sandwich to eat. Nothing that would stress me out. This is just my brain/body having a moment. It's hard to keep going sometimes, when it gets like this. If I add to it the anxiety I have about the stress I'll experience tonight at work, things get even worse for my body. I want the summer to be over. The heat is not helping me anymore. I don't know when that really changed, but it's been a few years now. Probably when my body stopped producing the hormones correctly, because of the damage to my ovaries. I know I'm going to overheat and have trouble breathing. I'm going to have to work at five times the speed I normally do, and it's all just so wrong. It's going to kill me one day.
I have to figure out when to get new tires. It's gotta be before it gets wet and cold all the time.
I need to prepare for my car insurance renewal. And I'm going to have to switch insurers. My car's value is decreasing. My record remains unmarred. But my rates keep going up, anyway. I've never missed a payment. This is a racket from hell. And they won't give me renter's insurance, either. They suck, which is a shame, because they were great when I started with them many, many years ago.
See.
My brain is going down paths it has been steering clear of for months. My body is responding with pain and stress, too. Lordy, I wish willpower alone could stop this. That's not how it works, though. I have to remind myself that this isn't how it works. Even some of the most intelligent people I know still think mental illness is all a matter of willpower. This notion has been thrust upon me, and overrides what I learned from professionals along the way. I know the brain is a physical item made of organic cells. It is susceptible to illness like everything else that makes up the human body. There's no divine spark giving us life. The duality thing is an illusion. The brain is fragile. I must treat myself better than the chorus of "just get over it" that still echoes in my head.
Maybe I'll let my hand move across a physical page with a physical pen. That might help. The usual bashing out of thoughts in a digital medium is only going a short distance, and I need more.
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