I missed the opportunity to talk about my year anniversary of my surgery. However, this is about when I began to feel human again, after years of misery. So I guess I'll just mention that physically, this has been the best year I've had in a very long time. Mentally, I go through the ups and downs associated with my good old bipolar II and CPTSD. However, I have not had the sort of immersion in pain and misery that I had before my surgery. I may sometimes have spoken of the low times I live through. I might still rely on the habit of feeling a comfort in knowing it will end, and that maybe I can facilitate that end, but it's not like it was. Believe it or not, my downs are not the dangerous kind they used to be.
My mechanism for dealing with the lows are to write out all the thoughts I have. Sometimes those thoughts are pretty bad. In comparison to most people, they're scary, I'm sure. For me? These lows are mild. That scares me, too, really. I didn't know exactly how bad off I was before I had the surgery and had a moderate slip into depression. There is no way to explain the difference to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
My mouth has also become harder to keep shut during those times. It's kind of pointless to bother saying what's in my head. I'm not very good at talking, anyway. I'd rather use the keyboard. If I could come up with a way to keep my vocal cords from making any noise beyond the necessities, I'd be better off. Maybe this is something I can keep practicing. No need to let people know exactly what I think of them. They don't care, and to be honest, I don't want to care about them anyway.
One way I've managed to keep it to myself is to use an earbud and have the sort of music that comforts me playing in the background. After all, I spend 8 or 9 hours with the muzak blaring mostly garbage, with one or two decent songs every few days or so, every night at work. Why can't I have a quiet bit of better music? It's not like music isn't already there. I'm just changing up the selection I have to hear.
I did buy myself a white skirt, but haven't felt comfortable enough with my belly to wear it, because I am still sporting a baby belly. Never mind the youngest is going to be 13 in a few months. Heh. I am having massive trouble keeping away from giving in to a sugary rush at 4 a.m. at work. So I have to figure that out, at some point. I'm just tired of looking pregnant. But immediate gratification is a hell of a deal to overcome.
There were shows and events I went to last year, which were probably too early for me to do. I still did them, and I had fun, but I wasn't up to full energy. I hope the events I have this year are better because I seem to be acclimating to the physical load of work, going back to nights (staying awake is the easy part - it's the drained feeling I have the other 2/3 of the day. After cleaning and driving are finished, I just want to chill on the computer watching silly videos and occasionally pecking at my Sims game, and then sleep. But I think it's actually improving, after six months. Maybe I'll have some energy again soon.
I saw Marillion at the start of the year. I have Gary Numan coming up first in September. Then Nine Inch Nails and Jesus and Mary Chain followed by a festival show with NIN. A month later, I'll get in one more NIN show when I have my third week of vacation. And I have purchased my VNV Nation ticket for December 1st. All dates have been marked as unavailable at work, just in case they begin to shuffle days off. They'll see that I already marked those as needed off. Mostly, they're already my nights off. The ones that are different are located at times when there are no holidays coming up. My second night off, this week, was changed, therefore I felt it best to put in everything as a request off, just in case.
I'm certainly glad my latest round of fighting with my brain has subsided. Maybe I can get back to living. Maybe.
No comments:
Post a Comment