Aftermath

This is the aftermath day. The world looks bleaker, scarier, and more doomed than it did yesterday. There was a moment when I watched "Threads" again a couple months ago. In that moment, I feared this would happen, and felt sure it would. As the weeks rolled by, though, I began to feel as though this country wasn't just a breath away from dystopia. I began to believe we could roll through to a new day where we could push Clinton into a better vision for everyone.

Instead, the votes of the electoral college go to a person who only lives for himself, in the now. His vision of this country is one I never thought would be embraced so passionately by enough people to win. My blinders are off. I'm sorry I didn't trust my intuition two months ago. My fear grew and exploded, but I will not live in terror. I will not hide and I will not lie. I may cry in anger today, but I know that all life ends, and it's how I lived the short breath I've been given that matters.

Until the moment comes that the guy you assholes elected proves he has no idea what "mutual assured destruction" means, I will continue to live and try to improve things for all of us. We're all we have. There's no guiding, invisible hand that will help us out of this. We have to help each other. If we don't have the backing of the government, and the majority of people around us are trying to stomp on our faces, we'll have to form tighter circles of resistance. One day, this has to stop. And we have to do it.

Divinity has not blessed the fart masquerading as a leader. There is nothing up there guiding this. All of this is on us to fix. Our fellow humans need to be reminded they are part of us as much as we are part of them. We have to address this web of life aspect to their selfishness. They're not going to listen to reason. They've proven this.

As much as I want to run away from all of you, and just not be a part of life anymore, I will stay just to piss you all off.

This Election Must End

I didn't sleep well. I was plagued by anxiety all day long, and had to suppress it at work.

Then I drove straight to the polling place - the senior center. It was for the popular vote, because my vote is total shit in this state. Every two years, I'm reminded just how little I belong here. Yuck. This year was the worst, ever. Period. And these people think a guy who is going to court for raping a 13 year old girl is someone to fucking admire. Nope. Going to be a long time before I look the other way on this. Even if you pretend like that case actually going before a court is nothing, there are a million and one other things to look at. But no. Orange Cheeto Dust Fascist is your savior. (And I'm a dolphin and this is all a dream.)

Watching the numbers unfold is wrong. I should go to sleep, and wake up to the aftermath. I can't sleep at all, though. The headache, the stomach ache, the receding buzz, and my watering eyes can't convince me to look away. I might miss something.

There was already one shooting with a death and injuries near a polling place, this year.

2016 just needs to become history. Fast. No repeat of 2000. NOOOOOO. I say NO. Weeks of bullshit about Florida and hanging chads have been exacerbating the anxiety. I can't go through it again. I just can't.

This has to be over in the morning.

And the rest of the world can laugh at Kentucky, as per usual. Not all of us are heartless fascists who pretend he's not up for rape of a 13 year old girl charges. But there are too many who are. So laugh. I'll laughsob with you.

One More Fucking Day

There is a new app that is still imperfect, but keeps me alive. That might sound odd to other people - especially in my age group. The images are imperfect, but the sound is getting better, all the time. I love the future. Without this, I don't know that there would be much point in ever doing anything, at all.

I love technology.

When

It

Works

Anyway, so yes, there was some vicarious living, and there was a little more cheap wine. My feet hurt beyond all compare.

Tomorrow, I'm going to vote. It's good old boys' world down here, so there was no early voting. If you work during the open polls, tough shit. This state is so anti-democracy and pro-fascism, it's ridiculous. The lies people tell themselves about "freedom" or "patriotism" are phenomenally huge. This election has created a huge divide and most people land on the pro-fascist side.

Some people are more equal than others...

The things I've heard during this election cycle have made my jaw drop. All my worst thoughts have been realized, most of my optimism has been crushed. These people want people that aren't like themselves to die. And many of them harbor fantasies about being the people to do the killing of the "Other." The only thing I know for certain, this year, is that I am definitely better than many of them.

I'm not even going to feel bad about thinking that way. God, Guns, Gays. Those three issues are even more the defining issues they care about. Nothing else. Conform or die. I never will.

Anyway, back to music and sleep. This election can't end soon enough. At least my illusions of people being mostly good with just a little bad have been destroyed. I can see the truth, at last. So many people are just bad with hints of good every now and then.

If I Go, it'll be because I can't run away.

Yeah...

Perhaps a bottle of very weak wine wasn't the absolute best way to handle the day. It felt good. It tasted fantastic. Some fizzy, sweet white Riesling thing that was on sale. Not Boone's Farm cheap, and maybe slightly more alcoholic, and all I really wanted.

The physical pain is hitting me, now. Had an hour and a half overtime. I opted out of breaks, because I didn't want to have to go twice as fast after returning. I kept a nice steady pace. Then the store was packed with people. I have no idea where all these people come from. How can there be that many people in such a tiny little area?

I'm not thinking now. That's the beauty of this. I'm just not thinking. It's great. I recommend it.

Breathing

It's been many years now since I used the words to "Sentinel" to try to boost my optimism on a Facebook post. Lena wrote that she really did hope there were better days to come. Within a few days, her cancer finally took her life. It was her last message to me. I still catch myself with tears in my eyes when I think about that. I don't really believe in an afterlife, so there's no comfort in thinking she finally found better days.

So I try to remember the pep talks she had with me about how she turned her life around later in life, like I had to do. She had harder steps to take than I did, but she also had a support network. I'm balancing everything very well, it's true, but that support network is thin and distant, now. I get some nice gestures from people encouraging me, but I find the words of people who went through bad or worse and came out the other end better off always made the biggest impressions on me. I need to know it's possible. I don't want to be that person everyone else looks to and uses as perspective in their lives.

I sometimes joke and use a variation on the saying "If I can't be a good role model, let me be your dire warning" but honestly, right now, I'd just like to lay down and not carry on with this fight. I just want to take a break from life for a while, and come back refreshed and willing to do more dirty work. Even breathing just needs to be something I don't have to worry about for a while. All of it, really. Just let it float off for a while, then bring me back when I'm rested and refreshed.

That's what I want, not death, just a long vacation from being a human animal on this planet. The closest I'll get is this extra hour of sleep tonight.

Staying

Learning how to stay alive required many experiments. It requires still more to keep punching at shadows. At times, it was a kernel of an illusion I held firmly that should I take my own life, I'd live a similar life, just to keep getting to the same points, so that I could eventually win a fight. I never claimed to know of a purpose for this concept of reincarnation. It was just a habit of thought. There may or may not have been some meaning in it, but I didn't believe in that part of it. Call it more of a superstition.

When explored, it makes zero sense. I don't actually have faith in it. Sometimes this habit of thought still happens. I don't know exactly why this is how my brain works. It is enviable that there are people who never have to examine weird beliefs. I have other weird beliefs. Those are readily examined. The ones that society accept, to some degree, are harder to scrutinize. Sometimes these ideas are given rewards. People accept me in a way I'm not used to. Even if the majority of people around me are Christian, there are enough people who have learned to respect any other version of faith, as long as there is some faith.

In the end, because I couldn't accept a "higher power" behind it, I had to accept it as a superstition. And I admit it still creeps up in my thoughts. Over time, though, the comfort in it has disappeared. Perhaps the comfort was illusion. However, I could also expound on the many other illusions that I have protected myself with to stay alive.

Right now, some figment of a quote is floating with me. It is the tragedy of a suicide who doesn't believe in an afterlife who also wants to know how everything turns out. The only way to see the result is to stick around. I live mostly to see how this goes down. A witness to life events, and a deep curiosity of life seem to be my new experiments in survival.

I want to know what happens tomorrow. The only way to know for sure is to stay.

However, this is tenuous. In time, the nothingness will crawl back in, and I won't know why I ever wanted to see how things turn out. Maybe. I mean, interesting things do happen. They are far away, but maybe they'll keep happening. However, I can't rely on this. I guess I'll start looking for a new experiment soon. I have to plan for the winter.

Achy Bitchy Moan

I've been fighting some nasty sinus thing on and off for a week. Usually, it lands in my ear, but right now it is in my upper sinuses. I also have cramps. And my feet hurt. My brain isn't behaving well. I am not choosing any of this. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not being able to control it, too.

So I'm sulking and suffering the post-concert blues. Everyone knows that feeling. All the good stuff that rushes through wanes, and the brain doesn't like the loss of the rushes. Call it chemical or hormonal or a combination. I already miss my live experiences. Unless there's something within an hour of me, though, I'm out of luck for a while. Oh yeah, and I really want to rebuild my account. It's not exactly where I need it to be. It's tons better than it was a few years ago, even with all the concerts and travel. Man, remember the shittiness of 2012? Fun times. (No, they were the worst, actually.)

I made it through that. I can make it through this year. It's just not going to be my favorite.

AGAIN.