When I actually start thinking about anything that might be causing all this pain and anguish inside me, the list really brings to light just how pointless my life seems, right now. When I list the things I've tried to do lately that have resulted in failure, that only increases my sense of pointlessness. The list of things I've tried is getting bigger and the things I can try are getting smaller.
Cornered or boxed-in. Those are the two terms I'd use to describe where I am, right now.
And this won't improve when the world turns to ice.
I'm beginning to panic about winter.
This will be one of the hardest I've ever had. It won't be the hardest. And there are harder yet to come. Neither of these facts bring me any relief. Neither does trying to look for perspective about my life compared to others' lives. This world looks so unfortunate to me that I don't want to be part of it, anymore. So perspective isn't going to help me.
Also, there was an account on Twitter than followed me. Their platitudes and pointless posts about the Things Happy People Do or Don't Do made me very angry. Like I haven't spent 43 years pretending to be happy and trying to suppress all my complaints and pain. That got me absolutely nowhere. But hey, I get it, you're uncomfortable with the idea of people experiencing pain. If people hide it, you get to ignore it. Congratulations. Some of us still have to cope with it, though. Pretending or not.
An incident occurred a couple days ago that also angered me. I can't even publicly write about it, because someone will use it in a solipsistic way and create even more fucking drama. I'm done with drama. So, let's just say it pissed me off, and leave it at that.
Anger is the only reason I cry. So yes, I cried today for the first time in a long time.
I hope this passes very fast.
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