One Bad Place to Another

There were plenty of entries in the journal I used to keep in the early 00s that had advice and maybe some platitudes. Mostly, though, the thoughts that consumed me were about the past. The words I dedicated to the old days seemed to never end. I reviewed it all without reservation, to the best of my own memory. I'm not saying it was all accurate. The brain distorts too easily. However, I kept writing until it was finished.

None of it matters to me anymore. The dedication in exploring all those things led to finally feeling like it was done. It didn't happen quickly. The time it took was considerable. The amount of digital space I took up was lengthy. It's over, now. Whatever I might write about the past is a glancing blow, in comparison.

Only occasionally do I think beyond the last few years. The prison of my youth has ended. The bars I constructed with the words and deeds of other people that were in charge of my life as a child and adolescent finally vanished. It is possible to see it go away. It happens.

Of course, being an adult, I have a whole new set of things to focus on. A whole new segment of my life that could have been done better or different has been plaguing me, instead of the distant past. It appears to be a cycle. I was busy cleaning out those other places in my brain, while a new segment of my brain cluttered and burst with issues I can now focus on.

None of this has been pleasant. None of this seems worth it, right now. I only hold on to the fact that the old memories were finally all ousted to hope these will clear out soon.

I keep hoping I'm getting to that promised land of age that allows for comfort and stability. I read so much about how we've got it backwards, and age makes things seem better and we get happier as we get older. We think age makes us worse, but it's supposed to be better, according to some studies that were done. I wonder when that will be.

My mother warned me that the teen years would be hell and to just get through them and things would get better. However, just when I should have been settling down, she died, then everything from my youth opened up in my head, and I exploded in rage and despair. Then found myself in a sham life with a sham marriage that I had to fix. Now, all that is over. When does it get better for me?

How long am I going to wait?