Magic Sleep

I slept on and off most of yesterday and last night. The world looks so much better today. Also, I am off work for the next week, and that helps, too. The feeling of being trapped has dissipated. The invisible bars vanished for a moment. This keeps me going.

There are other jobs out there. There are other things to do, but they're the same. Since I didn't manage to get into the original field I wanted - education - nothing I do will ever make me feel better. Many people leave my company for Amazon, and end up quitting. Some have come back, others have gone on to other things. Their stories keep me away from that place.

I know I have to make phone calls tomorrow. I know many people don't understand my extreme anxiety over phones. One call I must make is to UC to have my hold taken off. I paid off the defaulted loan years ago, but their system still says I'm in default. I panicked, and clicked to see what they said I owed, and it was $0. Apparently paying off your debt isn't good enough. Go figure. Nothing about college is easy in the country, why would paying off a loan be good enough?

I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. If I can go to Gateway undeclared, at first, then begin to steer myself in a direction, that would be most helpful. The credits are guaranteed to transfer to NKU, once I've shown the system that 23 years is long enough to prove I want to do it right, this time. The lack of a degree is probably the single biggest thing I beat myself up about, now. There are people who beat themselves up about their degree, but I've seen the alternative and trust me not having the degree would give them way more fuel to the self-hatred fires. There's nothing like knowing I should have gone back before someone ELSE did. Especially since I knew, instinctively not to trust Brown Mackie.

I wanted to take time off before entering college. I needed time to just live. Had I not gone at all, as I wanted, going to college would be far easier - not saying it's a cake walk, but damn, is this harder still. I wanted to go after a break. I was 18, at the time. I should have just gone with my suspicions. Done is done, though.

Now, I have to make phone calls, and that's just about as bad as any anxiety I have ever felt.

It's my first day of vacation, and a Sunday. I'll take the day off, first.