Remnants

(I'd like to write a flowing review of my favorite band. I'd like to talk about how incredible it is. Right now, it's a miracle I can type this. And it's not pretty.)

Maintenance time for my brain. Things in there are not looking as pretty as they could. Things that always bother me are bothering me. The same cycle of thoughts, the same physical manifestations of the pains that never quite heal and go away. I've been writing this out for a long time. There's no end. There's no cure. There's simply only management.

Safety mechanisms in place. Preparations have been made. All the tricks of the trade that I've learned and memorized. Yet it doesn't change the cadence of the horrible things going on in my head. The same lies are repeated on a loop. My fear of dreams keeps me from sleep. Or some audio hallucination snaps me out of the first moments of sleep. This is the same as it's always been.

The trigger of the gun was pulled. I won't satisfy anyone by telling them what that was. Just know that sometimes, my loaded weapon of a mind can definitely be detonated. The big red button flashes, someone pushes, all the "why bothers" creep back in. How long is this going to go on?

Another day is threatening me. Another sleep in fits and starts to precede the waking trudge through what feels like very thick mud. I'm not sure how to answer the "Why bother?" this time.

I just keep doing the same things I always do. Habit and routine. Without those, I'd be gone, by now. There is literally nothing else tethering me to the world. Plodding on into the world without a goal, without a hope, without a why.

This is it. That's all there is. It doesn't end up better. It just keeps cycling through, plateau or not, this isn't thriving. It's barely living. Coasting along on momentum that is dying. That's about it.