I'm pretty sure this is as bad as it's going to get. It could last days. It could last weeks. My hold over my head is strong right now, but it's going to take rest and recuperation to keep holding strong enough. The "why bothers" and the "what point is there in me waking up every mornings" are damned strong.
Adrift in this tempest of my own teacup brain, trying not to fight. If you relax in water, you float up to the top. If you fight, you push yourself down. Letting go, and allowing myself to do what I need to do. Distractions and momentary glimpses of entertainment help. However, I feel trapped. It is that which leads to my depressions and my sadness. Anger and despair battle for the rights to the land. I'm hoping if I let them battle, they'll kill each other, and leave only a few soldiers for the next battle. The rest of me might be strong enough to take them, after they nearly decimate each other.
There are only two more workdays until I am off for seven days. I must remain long enough to see those days. Music will be my safe haven a couple weeks after that. I fear the winter. What will I do with myself then? I'm not sure. I'll need to work on a plan. This is just the start of it all. The pain of the cold and cramped quarters alone will make it harder. How am I going to last this winter? I've got to figure out how to manage it.
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