Tiny Homes

I gave in and watched some of the odd recommended videos on Youtube about tiny house living. I get the feeling a lot of the people in these videos never lived in an efficiency apartment or lived with many other people and had to keep their belongings in one little room for long periods of time. Or if they have kids, they never had to make do with a little apartment before they attempted the tiny home living. Most of the people on there act like they had or have decent incomes, but wanted to be able to access more of their income and be less invested in things and invest in experiences. Another side of the movement seems to be pagans trying to get in touch with less consumption and being more in tune with eco friendly ways of living. Another side seems to be Christians who want to be independent and walled off from modern life, some home schooling their kids and such.

What I'm not seeing are people like me who are struggling and living in tiny apartments already. These people spent a lot of money on their homes. It seems they are mobile homes, just designed more originally than the kind of RVs and campers you see for sale around here. This movement doesn't seem to be about giving access to housing to more people. It's about people who had a lot, but wanted to try living on less. Which is all well and good. I get it. Even in my tiny apartment, I want to clear out the crap I have managed to collect. My desire to keep things stems from growing up under the poverty line and not having things, and needing to keep old parts, clothing, blankets, towels, just in case I don't have the money for them next year. Living in this tiny place with two kids hasn't helped me with that desire to stash and store in better times to prepare for the lean times.

I wish I could just buy a tiny home and roam around, making soaps and essential oil concoctions like I kind of planned at the height of my paganism. I still crave that sort of thing. However, I don't believe in it the way I used to, and I never fit in with the pagan circles I found, either. Just like all other groups, I just don't fit in. Therefore, I would be living a lie, and totally inauthentic. I can't do that. It was why I stopped doing readings. I know I was cold reading and using body language and my extreme sense of hypervigilance from growing up with an erratic and sometimes violent parent. It's really, really, really easy for me to figure out what's going on in people's lives and to figure out what is about to happen or if they are harboring physical illness they're ignoring. But to call this talent supernatural is a lie. It's just that most people aren't trained this well from the start of their lives until they finally break free. If it's true that sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, perhaps the same can be said for sufficiently advanced people reading skills is indistinguishable from psychic talent.

Anyway, as much as I'd love to break free from the grid and own my own home, the tiny home movement is for people with good enough credit or savings or income to own any kind of home they'd like. Those of us stuck in tiny places we rent are not going to be featured on such series. If I had the choice, though, I wouldn't choose tiny. Maybe mid-sized, not huge. Not tiny, though.

A Bit of a Rant

So, now we have a Ministry of Religion. Well, I'm too old to be conditioned to your Christianity, so I'm getting ready to head to the stake. I've begun to make a list of the people I expect to show up with sticks and marshmallows. Half my coworkers, I'm sure. If I was a Christian, and being the way I am, though, I'd probably be shouting at other Christians about following false prophets and pointing out these motherfuckers' deeds. I know, though, that religion has become the single biggest tribal marker and nothing more. Republican Jesus looks nothing like the things I read when I gave Christianity the old college try.

Anyway, all you haters who fantasize about punishing anyone who is just slightly different than you, congratulations, you're getting your way.

Reconstructionism is something I was just made aware of. I had heard of Dominionists, but I had no idea exactly how convinced some are of being mandated with the task of bringing about the millennium to force Jesus to return. So much so, they are willing to become torturers and murderers to do it. Y'all are fucked up. Your fear and hatred of any slight variation on the human theme is amazing. Simply fucking amazing.

Hello to the "people" from Russia spiking the view count of this blog. I'm not buying anything you're selling.

I still believe in the things I grew up believing about this country. Literal interpretations of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Fighting for everyone to have the freedom to assemble, a free press, and freedom to worship or not worship as the individual sees fit. I also believe in bringing about a safety net for the general welfare of the people. Not just collecting money from me for shooting brown people and stoking the hero fantasies of gun cultists. Look, I'm all for private possession of arms that make sense for personal use. I'm not for cultists amassing arsenals to bring about the End Times. But trying to get through to people who live in a perpetual state of terror of The Other is difficult. Just know that I'm not giving up.

So I fully expect a proper stake and wood pile at my burning. I'll even wear my old pentagram just for you.

Working Through

Now I'm concerned about myself. I woke up with a hot flash and anxiety bordering on panic. I've been taking 2 mg for a week and a half. I'm worried it's still not going to be enough. Then again, it took a few weeks when I went on 1 mg for the night sweats, crying jags, and constant state of hot flashes to end, after my surgery. Maybe I should give it a little longer.

The 12 year old stayed up with me far too late last night. We're going to have to put our feet down to get him to bed without electronics by 10 for the next week, then slowly ease him into a 9 p.m. bedtime, because school starts very soon. I keep forgetting how early it starts. My years didn't start until September. It keeps slipping my mind how soon it is coming.

I have the feeling that I've forgotten to do something extremely important. More important than just turning in a paper that is due in a week. This feels like I've forgotten to put gas in my car, before there were indicators for low fuel, and I'm in the middle of nowhere Ohio, in the middle of the night, where there aren't even any exits, and when you find one, the only gas station is closed. This is an unpleasant sensation. I would like it to pass now!

My heart feels tight. The muscles of my chest feel stretched very thin and painfully. I haven't had coffee since 7 p.m. last night. Only a cucumber sandwich to eat. Nothing that would stress me out. This is just my brain/body having a moment. It's hard to keep going sometimes, when it gets like this. If I add to it the anxiety I have about the stress I'll experience tonight at work, things get even worse for my body. I want the summer to be over. The heat is not helping me anymore. I don't know when that really changed, but it's been a few years now. Probably when my body stopped producing the hormones correctly, because of the damage to my ovaries. I know I'm going to overheat and have trouble breathing. I'm going to have to work at five times the speed I normally do, and it's all just so wrong. It's going to kill me one day.

I have to figure out when to get new tires. It's gotta be before it gets wet and cold all the time.

I need to prepare for my car insurance renewal. And I'm going to have to switch insurers. My car's value is decreasing. My record remains unmarred. But my rates keep going up, anyway. I've never missed a payment. This is a racket from hell. And they won't give me renter's insurance, either. They suck, which is a shame, because they were great when I started with them many, many years ago.

See.

My brain is going down paths it has been steering clear of for months. My body is responding with pain and stress, too. Lordy, I wish willpower alone could stop this. That's not how it works, though. I have to remind myself that this isn't how it works. Even some of the most intelligent people I know still think mental illness is all a matter of willpower. This notion has been thrust upon me, and overrides what I learned from professionals along the way. I know the brain is a physical item made of organic cells. It is susceptible to illness like everything else that makes up the human body. There's no divine spark giving us life. The duality thing is an illusion. The brain is fragile. I must treat myself better than the chorus of "just get over it" that still echoes in my head.

Maybe I'll let my hand move across a physical page with a physical pen. That might help. The usual bashing out of thoughts in a digital medium is only going a short distance, and I need more.

Just Thinking in Public

Age, needing a more supportive mattress, and a general sedentary day resulted in having a lot of trouble with my hips and waist last night. I've increased my dietary antioxidants - matcha green tea and blueberries, for examples. I took some non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pain relievers (a couple aspirin and an ibuprofen.) I'm resting now, but I feel like I'm just getting over a cold or the flu. No longer sick, but still recovering.

I also learned that the only way I am going to get the matcha mixed well is with the immersion blender. It came out perfect, but I did try it more traditionally for a few weeks before I gave in and brought out the big tools. I'm not sure what it is about it, but the matcha really has become my drink of choice. It's edging out coffee, for goodness' sake. I used to not like tea and felt green tea had a grassy taste. I'm convinced I got hold of some bad quality stuff. Iced tea around here is bitter. The sweet tea is the same stuff with a load of sugar added. When I see the process of making tea bags, I can see the difference in quality.

Yeah, I spent $17 on 4 ounces of matcha, but it will go a very long way, it's imported, and it's worth the splurge. I won't need to buy anymore for a while. I can make an investment in this nowadays. That's amazing to me. I get something of quality now and then. It's lovely. I have no idea why I want green tea so much.

It stemmed from the kombucha obsession I had for a few months. After a while, though, I just wanted the tea I was making. The kombucha was giving me heartburn and the acid in it was probably doing a number to my teeth. It was good while it lasted, though. After a while, I just drank the tea, then I moved on to green and white tea. Then I wanted something denser, and saw matcha tea, and gave it a try. Just a little half ounce of it lasted a few weeks. It was even more expensive than this one I bought recently. $10 for that little tiny canister. But it lasted longer than the box of green tea bags I also have been drinking. It's less bitter, too. And it has just a little tiny bit more texture. Of course, it was clumpy with the traditional method of whisking it. Today, it was perfect. Although I kind of started to like the clumps. Oops.

Um, anyway... that sums up my green tea obsession for the moment.

I've been playing The Sims so much lately, that's about all I do. I go to work, cook, buy groceries, clean my uniform, play Sims, and sleep. I'm probably going to have to break this cycle eventually. Right now I need it, though. The steady routine is stability to me. I need that. My brain needs that. I'm healing and recovering from my decades of instability. Sometimes I get unsatisfied, so I will keep an eye out for that.

I think next year, instead of car trips anywhere for my summer week of vacation, I'm going to try hard to take a tour of the places were they filmed Twin Peaks. That should be enough time since The Return's airing that it won't be flooded with fans. Just the regular obsessives taking a trip, like before. Barring any unforeseen emergencies. I am almost back to where I was before the emergencies of 2017. Almost. Financially and mentally.

It's the end of July now. August brings with it the return of school for the one in middle school, and any settling of issues so that in September, the college student can return. We hope. The seasonal section of the store is now back-to-school themed, after all. I don't look forward to going across the main artery road to pick up the middle schooler. I wonder if there is any easier way to get there. I've been going the fastest way. Maybe I should find a more round-about way. That road is the most hostile environment in this minuscule town. I also don't look forward to going home from work at 7 a.m. when school returns. It's been so easy to drive home, in comparison. What is it about taking their kids to school in the morning that turns people into the most reckless, dangerous assholes? I'll also miss having some company from my 12 year old. The older one doesn't seem to need me much, so I don't see him much anymore. Guess that's just how it goes.

I'm actually glad this month is ending, other than the prospects of driving becoming dangerous again. I also hope the temperature starts to drop. And the humidity. I know, unlikely. I sort of miss loving the summers. Now, I just want to curl up inside with the A/C on blast. What a change.

About "Tribalism"

There's nothing I'd rather do than go back to the days when there was civil discourse between differing opinions. This hostile environment of factions turning into tribal wars isn't exactly my favorite thing. The problem comes by way of the authoritarians that want to curb stomp people like me. No, I am not going to roll over and let them do this to us. I'll side with the refugees and undocumented people over those that want to murder anyone that is even slightly different - by looks, by sexual activities, by faith. When one side is calling for their members to shoot me in the street, then my answer is not to bow my head and be quiet. Silence and diplomacy become complicity. I'm not going to be the one to keep my mouth shut about being horrified by taking children away from parents with no desire to reunite them. This isn't a difference of opinion. One side is dehumanizing/demonizing people and quite content with these terrorizing methods of punishment toward people who just wanted out of a different horror. I'm not going to throw my hands up and say "That's too bad, I disagree" and roll over. These are people calling for the death of anyone they perceive as liberal. There is no civility, already.

The "lack of civility" conversation is always from the side that wants me to conclude that these people deserve to have their children removed, and locked away where they have to toilet in front of each other, and that toilet never gets cleaned. And fuck, those are the reports from places where people can get in. I can't imagine what we're hiding. The tribal lines might be getting harder between us, yes, but that's because the two sides are so clearly alien to each other, now. I'm not going to sit here and say people who think these abuses we're inflicting on The Other are okay just to maintain civility and some fantasy of solidarity with others born in this country (who look like me.) I'm not okay with it.

I don't give a single fuck if people think this diminishes my "tolerance." I have always rejected the tolerance portion of being liberal. The idea liberals were supposed to be tolerant to some extreme was something my dad brought to my attention a few decades ago. I guess when you spend your life thinking that you have to toe the line of your party, you can't see how anyone else wouldn't feel the need to become the straw man of their party. I've never been particularly happy with the concept of purity. This is a common theme studies bring up about conservatives - the need for racial, religious, sexual, and ideological purity. Trying to reason with someone about not being tolerant of intolerance is extremely difficult because conservatives see things so clearly black and white.

When the conversation can be civil on both sides, I'll go back to being civil and tolerant. Until then, I'm not going to pretend to be chums with people who are pleased with the horrors we're engaging in. It may look like tribalism to people who aren't listening to the conversation. It's far beyond that, though.

So yeah, take that meme of the two voters being friends and shove it. This isn't pineapple on pizza or how to divide up the taxes we pay more equitably or whether the opening prayer in Congress violates the first amendment. This is torturing human beings, at this point. And don't tell me no one's saying they deserve this, because I've read the plentiful, shitty comments. I've heard people saying it out loud around me. Open your ears and eyes, if you think it's just a matter of lack of civility. I'm definitely not taking the blame for our downfall when I see just what we have become. I'm not okay with it, and I'm not okay with people who are okay with it.

I'm not going to lose any sleep over one less person in my online world spewing the toxic sludge I've been seeing. If they want to blame me for not being "tolerant" of their disgusting words, so be it.

Dawn Musing

This is the best weather ever. Can we keep this, please? Forever? I don't know the mechanics that brought us June in July and July in June, but here we are. My clothing stays more dry than sweaty at work. I also got 100% cotton clothing, which is helping to wick away the sweat from me, helping me cool down. Even partial polyester was like wearing a plastic bag all night. I think I'm building up enough of the 2 mg estradiol that this is also helping. There's only so much it can do against 100+ degrees in the back room and polyester clothing. I don't feel hot then cold then hot. Now I just need the couple pimples I got to go away. The 1 mg just wasn't cutting it, though. But seriously, the weather is top shelf. No glaring sun, not hot, not cold, and just wet enough to keep the plants happy.

I had an amazing amount of sleep in the last two days. I highly recommend getting a lot of sleep. There's no substitute.

I also recommend getting in some recreational activity. Something just for fun. That helped, too.

There have been a lot of weeks of dark clouds and irritation lingering over my environment. That has finally broken. I highly recommend feeling good. There's no substitute.

Now, if only the PINO construction-cone tinted toddler would start acting like a fucking adult, this would be a great week. But nooooo, we have to have the biggest fucking baby ruining everything.

At This Time

It's been raining for the past two days. Rain is my favorite weather. Add a mild thunderstorm, and I'm in heaven. Yesterday was a little too strong in the storm department at first, but it faded out to a nice atmosphere for the rest of the day. These kind of days have been rare. The temperature has been mild, too. I only suffered a little while working in the pet department, tucked away in the back corner with zero air circulation, and the back dock, last night. This is the temperature I need it to be, now, all the time. To think I ever used to love hot weather amazes me.

My new all in one printer and scanner arrived today. Eventually, I will scan every single picture I have. The good, the bad, doesn't matter. My entire life will be digitalized soon. When? I don't know. Maybe the same time I get around to taking all those bags of clothes and toys to Goodwill? Hah. Oh wait, I don't have to leave the house to scan the pictures, so maybe the day before I get to that?

Time is moving too fast for me to keep up with. I used to be stuck in a slow moving state of mind. Those days are long gone. I never thought they'd end. Time seemed to never move, once upon a time. I was trying so hard to make it go faster, push the days on, so I could be out of the bad places I was living in. I'd write. I'd read. I'd draw, make necklaces, sew simple projects, and play either solitaire or online jigsaw puzzles for hours on end. I'd make the most intricate Sims 2 house designs. The kids had everything taken care of. The house was maintained, items donated, and groceries bought. Now I can't freaking get my act together to get the doctor and vet appointments scheduled or the driving lessons for D. It's already mid-July. This is getting too hard to do on my own.

Working on my brain flaws elsewhere, I am picking up my patterns of thoughts that still need to be addressed. The threads of my thoughts still have tangles in them. Granted, the way I deal with the world is so much better than it's ever been. Removing myself from all the horrible people that targeted me with all their own insecurities and guilt was a good start, but it will still take more time to really be free of the mess they started and that I continued for too long. Some days, like today, I feel capable of fixing these things. There are other days when the mess inside my head is too much for me, though. I have the tools to get through those days, too, though. My toolbox is weird. It may not include the things that work for everyone else, and there are strange things in there that won't for others. It's been working for me.

I made it to 45. Something my mom never did. Now lets see if I make it to 52. Outlive those whose genes made me.