Heading Upward Again

You know what? It's warm! The sun has been out a lot! There was a bit of rain, but it wasn't cold and nasty! There are leaves forming on the trees! You know what this means? I'm going to be on the upswing for a while. It better last a good long while. Oh, and it better not swing up too damned high.

But yes, the seasonal depression has passed. I don't even know what was wrong with me. And yes, I wish I could bottle this. Every single year, I say the same damned things. I want to do things, get things finished, pull out all the stops. I want to fly and drive and travel. Though my lifestyle demands I work more than I travel.

Why can't it be like this all the time?

Uncertainty

I'm fairly certain that my written words have been viewed by many people. Not as much now that I'm older, and haven't progressed. However, it warms my heart to know that someone I don't pay attention to has taken such a long-term interest in my writing. Cheers to you who come over to see how I've done over the years.

On a less vaguepost note, I am still having my moments of struggle. I'm angry with myself for having stepped down. Now that I've had a week away from the place, I feel like I gave up at a weak moment. A moment when I was dealing with things I dared not write, speak or even think, for the most part. Everything welled up inside me and I broke. I cried. Tears actually came out of me. It was intense and now it's gone, and I already gave up the challenge. Did I make the wrong decision? I can't just say "Wait! No, let me try again" now. This was one of those things that I can't get back. After vacation, though, I always feel better.

It seems I've been relegated to drone status. Patted on the head and moved out of the way. And I hate that even more.

Damn it.

You know what? I really like me. I don't know why others don't.

I give up too soon on many things, though. Maybe that's all.

I don't know.

I'm floundering. I don't know what to do.

A Note at the End of Staycation

My lack of posts must mean one thing. Yep. Life has been good on my vacation. I feel rested and ready to face up to the task of 40 hour work weeks pretending to be someone I am not - someone much happier and well adjusted - again. I do wish I could bottle up all the ideas I've had for dealing with things, and just pull it out and sniffing it as needed.

Alas, that will never happen.

The next vacation is in June. Based around the Chicago Cure show. I wasn't excited about it until this week. The excitement has returned, though. Live Cure in a few months. Another week off work - and I do have a third week after that, too.

Now, if this weather would just break, all would be great. February was late this year. It's still haunting us. I fucking hate February in this region. It's like a slime on the bottom of my shoe. A heavy slime. Depression sucks. Depression based on the weather sucks. Both of them together means a total suck machine for me.

So, I played Simcity, ordered a few new toys and enjoyed myself as much as possible.

From now on, the regular work week jokes will make sense to me, again for the first time in a decade. That will be strange. Again, that which others find normal is strange to me. Heh.

*Note: I only say "staycation" because I get tired of saying I'm not going anywhere. I'm just off work for a week.