Rolling Along

It's been a while since I privatized everything. I was certain that this would be a way to keep anyone from using my words against me. The things I learned in June 2000, about making fun of that job on a "private" site, and the resulting disciplinary action that was taken have made me wary. The reason I was able to write before is that I felt there was nothing that could really be taken from me. Now, I feel like I have something - some things - that can be taken from me. Paranoia stems from personal, lived experience.

Honestly, though, there is probably a condition that keeps me writing and wanting to write, despite all the wary caution I feel. Hypergraphia? I don't know if that's the right word, but it fits.

The last week has been too dangerous to me. In having something that can be taken away from me, and having that held over my head has resulted in flashbacks and even a bit of dissociation. I didn't have time to use the skills I learned. Not even to breathe, touch something, taste something, smell something, etc. until I started to come back to the here and now. This was a dangerous week. I'm okay, today. I let it go. Yeah, I guess it can be taken from me, but I am letting it go.

I know that I may fall again. I may be trapped in a snare of my own head, again, if this does get rescinded. It really doesn't matter, though. Nothing actually matters.

My son has a car, which needs work, to practice driving soon. It's in my name. (I own two cars. WTH?) He has a place at NKU and a scholarship to help him through to graduation. Things have been  sorted for the moment.

See, this isn't 1995. I am not starting over again. It's just a continuation from here.

I've been charging at my life and rolling along through the bad parts on my own since I was 8. The help I had wasn't the help I needed. And none of it was offered in good faith. I made it then. I'll make it now. Somehow.