The Final Habit

My mind is fairly stable and on the mend. I have some terrible habits I need to break. Now that I haven't felt the PMDD terrorizing me, it's much easier to understand my thought patterns. That objective look into my mind could not happen before. Now, I have a grasp on the way I interact with my feelings.

Meditation is easier. It is a practice. No one just stops thinking, you know? It has become an easier practice, now that intrusive thoughts aren't operating for a week or two every month. Now I know what other women feel like, finally. I do envy them never having had this particular affliction. At least it's over, now. My mind does clear for longer bursts of time. Maybe I'll even get the time without anything surfacing for up to five minutes, one day. That has been quite a wonderful thing, lately.

I'm nearly at the point I can read a few chapters of a book in one sitting, again, too.

The changes that pain makes to your brain is incredible. The myth of mind over matter only served to make those changes more intense, too. The more the pain is suppressed, the worse we all tend to behave. This is something that I can understand now only because I've been through it. I could certainly sympathize with someone, and even feel an echo of their pain through their facial cues. Now, though, I can see when pain is why someone is behaving the way they are. It's an interesting insight.

I'm not all that chipper right now, and yet, I don't feel anything like I did in the past. However, I want to rely on old, very bad habits to cope, anyway. The idea that I'd want to die is so ingrained on my entire being, that it is difficult to break out of it. That absolute finality of a solution was part of my upbringing. My mother's only answer to her life was suicide, after all. It isn't surprising that it is imprinted on my being. I need to break this habit, though. It's the last vestige of my old self that I want to rid. Goodbye, goodbye. Begone.

What's Next

It seems that recovery will be fairly long for the final part I've heard is a remodeling process. There are days of swelling, fatigue, and weird little pains or discomforts that have no cause. The new reliance on artificial estrogen can be fraught with its own pitfalls. For one thing, I need to refill it early, in case there is a delay in ordering it. Three days without it was not fun. The usual markers of PMS tried to overwhelm me. So, yeah, that was a lesson learned. I've also begun to be sure to take calcium supplements every day, which means needing to balance it with some bananas to avoid the foot cramps. These things are minor, but small habits I need to build.

Riot Fest was hard. Or maybe it was the drive up there. I was exhausted before I'd even done anything. 

VNV Nation was fantastic, the other night, as always. I am glad I have time to rest after it, because of the drive home. 

My phone lied about the drive to and from Nashville. It wasn't 4 hours away. It was 5. The concert ended at midnight their time, 1 a.m. mine. I managed to get home just after 6 a.m. Monday morning. I have been exhausted, though. I won't be driving that much again until February for Marillion. As boring as things get, I need the rest.

Slow and steady healing is in progress. The pain I'd been going through is in the past, now. The discomfort and certainty that I was at the end of my life is over, too. Now, I'm left with what to do next. A thing I haven't spent enough time thinking about, really.

If I was afraid of dating before, now I am terrified. I've added never having natural children ever again to the fact that I have one nearly adult kid and one adolescent kid. I have to confront the fact that people my age are beginning to think about kids, and I'm done. It's a new addition to who I am to other people. I knew I wasn't going to have any more children, but this makes it permanent to other people. This is something that has to be known, along with all the other things.

Who am I to other people? And do I really care? Well, one, I'm not sure, and two, part of me does care, a lot.

Physically, I am fine. Financially, I'm fine. This is the basis of growing. Now, what do I do next?