Enduring

The nagging pain and fatigue have intensified over the last four or so months. I've been bleeding more than not bleeding. I went to the doctor for it, finally. Luckily, money is available for my deductibles on these tests. In the end, I was given three options, besides just going on with things the way they are and trying to continue ignoring them, and I chose a hysterectomy. I've been at the point of total removal for a very long time. In fact, I'd say when Angelina Jolie decided to have mastectomies to prevent any cancer in the future, I understood. The pain I feel is enough for me. I don't want to one day have to go through cancer because I didn't just take this moment of terrible build-up, cysts, and a polyp to get it over with.

My childbearing years have been over for a long time. The vanity part of me worries that I will now begin to actually show my age, though. In this society, there is reward for not showing age. However, much like when I was in my twenties and people thought I was still a teenager, being in midlife and people thinking I'm just barely into my actual adulthood is still irritating. The fact that I've already lost my parents and grandparents (those with whom I actually grew up with) is still a shock to most people. That I have a son in college is sometimes awkward. However, the benefits to looking younger still outweigh the nuisances.

I feel relief knowing that there really is something going on in there, too. I've been struggling to ignore it for a long time now. It finally made itself unbearable, even for me. The ruptured cyst and bleeding almost constantly were my wake-up call. However, I do wonder if I am placing too much hope on the surgery to bring me back to life. This time of year should be waking me up and bringing with it shades of hypomania. I haven't had that in a long time, though. Right now, everything is a dull fog in shades of gray. I miss feeling anything.

My doctor's schedule is full until June, and I get my next vacation week in July. I would like to try to coincide the surgery with that vacation week. It's a long way off, but as I get older, time goes faster and faster. It'll be here and gone in the blink of an eye. This will just be a blip by Halloween.

I really hope I begin to live again. Until then, forward into the travails, I go.